jenuwine1004's Xanga

it's been a long time..i shouldn't have left u..w/o a dope beat to step to..

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:57:20 GMT

hmm, it's been a long time since i've posted and an even longer time since i've really kept up on here. while i think a lot of ppl are no longer xangaholics--long since kicked the addiction--i kind of miss it. fb has filled what used to be the glimpses into ppl that xanga could reveal..but it's still not the same. maybe i'll resurrect this after all. after tweaking some privacy settings. or maybe not. havent decided. in the meantime, lookie at the video in this link. found it amusing..

randomness

Mon, 11 May 2009 04:56:28 GMT

i know i havent exactly been posting...*shrug* but a lot of ppl havent. *sigh*...anyway, exam week! yikes! *sigh* i just want to roll over and wake up next week...

on another note, my dad had some minor surgery done...but the doc is getting him off work for 6 weeks. he seems happily bored. i gave him a book to read, a movie to watch, and spent lots of time w/my momma and him...im already pretty exhausted by the extra family time. and...only one week down...yikes

oh yea...that last post? hehe, i spoke too soon. was emotional. the older i get, the more of a sap i am. drama drama drama. haha. unnecessarily. things are good. :)

and finally...allergies? use a neti pot already!! another convert. im telling u, it cant hurt if it doesnt work. but if it does work, breathe like new again...this is the first year i havent had allergies in a long, long time. and i used a "fake" homemade one. if there's anything to recommend, this is it...spread the news, we can breathe w/o fear!

and finally...i cannot get enough of adele...im serious, ever since i ~~downloaded~~ (ahem) got her album, i have played it over and over and over and over. and over. again. and again. i dont even know wut is playing on the radio. based on luv for adele's voice, does anyone have any recommendations for something similarly spectacular?

oh, no i think i will end w/the news that a dear friend is soon moving to korea for a year. she will be missed. and, i found out her cousin, a dongseng, will be there too. it's yet another reason to get a webcam and a phone card. b/c another dear friend is in china too for an undisclosed amnt of time. wut's the time diff for seoul and shanghai from central time? once exams are done, i need to get out of my hermitage and do some friend-rounds...u heard it here first...

sometimes

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 02:46:53 GMT

it's hard to even see thru all the tears.

today was...really, really not a good day.

...

it's been a long time since i updated. and i dont really plan on keeping it up either. i just...needed to vent for a second. i may be a bit of a masochist. not b/c i like all this pain, but b/c i guess i just recognize it and feel a sort of nostalgia to it. to the frustration, the bitterness, the sadness, etc. i actually kind of hate it. but there's a sick comfort to its familiarity. and sadly, that may be the only good thing abt today, so im holding onto it like a life preserver.

yikes...

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 19:35:56 GMT

ugh...i keep letting my xanga die...:( well, it was very easy to get caught up on actual friends' ramblings b/c only like 3 ppl wrote anything for the last 2 months. yikes. and...it was minimal posting at that. oh well...i'll still keep using it somehow...even if so much less than before....

anyway, i feel pressed for time, as i always am these days--cramming in everything that needs to get done and still be sane and still have a life--so i will just ask a very simple question....

it's that time of year for my church again and instead of providing music which i racked my brain and my mp3s for last time, im to provide ...well, music. hahaha...but in a diff form. i guess im singing-? i skerred. im still hoping that d will pick a diff girl, hehehe, b/c i know there are several other girls who can sing way better than myself. *sigh* oh well. i already promised, so if she doesnt change her mind, i gotta be ready...as far as the guy singing, i think d found one. im actually a lil bummed that the guy i wanted to sing w/is a no go. from wut i remember, his voice is fantastic, and it would have at least put me at ease to sing w/him...but, this is not a time to be choosy...guys who can sing are sadly a rarity. well, esp if d wants to keep it w/in our age range...

there are always 2 songs, duets, that are sung. i've never actually attended the banquet. it's for like serious couples. the married and the engaged. that type of thing. i already picked one song--"lucky" by jason mraz ft colbie caillat. and i think it's a great pick.

what is another simple and good duet love song?

it's not too hard to find duets, but so many of them are not abt an enduring marriage-y kind of love. no love lost, no one night stand type of thing. nothing too racy or too mushy. and.....not too difficult. this girl hasn't sung in front of ppl (minus karaoke) in a long, long time...

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! MERRRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 19:14:05 GMT

im so excited abt my chi town trip!!!! :D:D:D i cant wait to see everyone and do everything....yayayayayay....

grat blog and some thots

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:06:30 GMT

hehehe...i had been meaning to say this...im grateful that...we can not do one out of the seven assignments. b/c i was TOO SWAMPED to write enough of those gratitude blogs and the corresponding reaction paper. SO, i didnt even have to do what i did. hehe....but it was still good. maybe some day when im not too busy, i will attend to try doing it and seeing how helpful it is anyhow...

the odd thing...is that the last assignment i did for that class was abt meditation...which totally coincides w/the paper i was doing for my religion class...and it WAS beneficial i believe. i had done a lot of research and some fieldwork w/buddhism as of late. and im still intrigued. obviously im a Christian through and through...but there is also something there...there is some truth to their practices if not to their theology. so something w/in Buddhist psychology, morality, and philosophy does work...and actually i intend to investigate more. there is, i believe, a lot of good in a lot of religions...much like society in general, ppl base ethics, norms, and acceptable behaviors from their religious worldviews...and it's true that most religions end up asserting some of the same truths...there is, in a sense, a "tao" as the way c.s. lewis defines it in "abolition of man." (btw, i have luv'd how almost all of my classes--except the hated most boring class i've ever taken in my life on tues nites--have all overlapped quite a bit.)

and so if i believe there is an absolute truth...a reality that we perceive and interpret through the lens of our beliefs and ideas abt the world and the ppl in it...and i believe that there is an absolute truth abt how things work, how ppl are...that there are laws involved that govern the world and not just the physical world (ie: gravity)...and i believe that the mind, body, heart, and soul of a person must learn what they can abt these things to create questions and seek their answers in order to gain some sense of satisfaction in that greater picture,.............then, i believe that religions, even non-Christian, have merit to some degree....and i intend to find out what i can, consider w/an open heart and critically-thinking mind, and come to a deeper understanding, hopefully what becomes a wisdom, abt God....who He is, who i am, who we are as ppl, and just...more abt what life is....just b/c i believe there is no salvation except through Jesus Christ does not mean i will close the door forever on learning from things outside of "christianity"...God speaks through all kinds of ppl, events, and ways...i hope that ppl's "spirituality" will inevitably lead them to recognizing and loving God...that all religious seeking will inevitably point back to Him and that those involved in ways that cannot save them will end up realizing Him and glorifying Him....b/c for myself, that is what happens....seeing beauty of any kind makes me recognize the ultimate Creator...acknowledging a truth from any source does not make it less true and makes me realize an ultimate Truth. i would never have guessed that devotional path would include such typically non"christian" form...that it would not just be learning through devotion and practice of traditional (and even "reform") norms of Christianity...but through just an open seeking...a drawing to Him through no practically preset and prescribed fashion...if He speaks to me to learn nontraditionally, then i want to go and learn what i can by what intrigues me...always coming back to Him, always seeing His hand, His heart...

anyway, i have realized one especially significant thing that i need to do...and it's something that is always stressed anyhow, but now im convicted more than ever...i need to DO MY PRACTICE...meaning, prayer, reading the Word, (and now a new one), meditating--upon the Word, upon my thoughts, upon my body, upon the world around me....i believe that one of the main things that is "working" in modern Buddhism (besides the fact that many are so open and accepting and--dduh--COMPASSIONATE--this is key) is that the total emphasis is not on figuring out doctrine...it's the practice. that is the first and foremost focus. then, im sure, comes whatever they use to explain ultimate reality. i have been for the past few years a completely "thinking" type of religious person, but an almost non"practicing" one...i got too caught up w/trying to define and figure out what i believe,...what makes sense to my heart and my mind, etc....and that IS important....but what is probably more important (than this trying to get it right type thing that pushed aside the emotion that i used to respond to) is the practice. the devotion. the action. only by doing can u really know what u think. what u value. what u really believe. and behavior changes attitude. doing first these individual working out of what i define as devotion...will in turn flood experience into what i define as doctrine. and truth is truth...and builds upon each other. the loftier things that one cannot come to full agreement should be built upon the foundations that one can find no disagreement. it's not working out my faith or my salvation. it's building my life upon the things i know are real to discover the reality influencing it.

ok wow....i bet i could ramble on more. but i will stop. b/c i have finals this week. hehehe...and i have a LOT to do other than this rumination upon the things that im trying to understand that are NOT being "tested" the next two weeks. kekeke...

and so it begins...welcome to "hell" week...eeks!! ONE down!!

gratitude blog #4

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 04:59:35 GMT

ive slacked a bit on this...ugh...it's b/c of the sickness and everything it had affected. but this is not abt the negative, this is abt the positive...so here i go...(and my fav # is four...and my fourth one is on my birfday--yayay!)

im thankful that im getting better...finally...and it's not completely, but it just feels good to not sleep the entire day away. :) i guess it's a good thing it was during break and not so much during classes...but all that time wasted is making me stress abt finishing strong. but anyway, im thankful for almost being my whole self again...and soon enough i will be..

secondly, i am thankful for my family for putting up w/me...being home...all day...doing nothing really for anyone but my selfish sick version of me. hee hee...im grateful that i was home but didnt have to do a million home type chores. very nice for once hee hee...and im glad they've not been too hard on me and just let me rest it out and taken my verbal abuse when crankky w/o too much drama. hehe..

and finally, wow, today is my birthday. and i actually felt kinda crappy that practically noone acknowledged it beforehand, but glad...b/c now ppl are sympathetic to my wants and needs. hahaha...i dunno if that makes sense. usually, i try to think of things to do that everyone would like or somehow cater wut i wanna do w/wut i could get others to maybe do. not this year. this year, im just ...boom, i wanna do this, im gonna do this. haha, it seems weird for me to call the shots even though iz my birfday. but, im glad...bc i think im really happy w/everything hahaha...and i do hope others enjoy as well of course ;) anyway, even though im thankful, i actually feel a little guilty. for that and for the major sympathies im getting for my sickness. yea it's been awful, but i almost feel worse thinking of how sappy ppl are b/c i've felt awful. haha. but....iz berry nice too. hahaha...anyway, im grateful that ppl care. it's really nice to know that. it's like...caring b/c of really caring. and me likie. me thankie. oh yea, and also, wth, somehow ppl are coming out of the woodwork to wish me happy birthday on fb, email, and txts. (hardly any myspace presence though. hehe.) some years there is not a huge response. and that never bothers me. this year, though, ppl are making me feel very special. by such small efforts too. hahaha. 28 must be great!! hee hee. no matter wut, it's like wutever...another day, another year...and i dont ever try to make a huge deal...but im glad that ppl are nice and acknowledge it and make me feel all nice inside. my phone was blowing up today...had to mini charge it a couple times from all the notifications i kept getting. i felt very special and important and busy. hahaha...it was great. a nice way to "wake me up" into the real world from the sick slumber i've been in.

and now...real life begins for me at 28...gawd, i am not where i wanted to be, but im thankful of where i am. and not just b/c i have to do a "gratitude" blog...but b/c...im just really lucky. despite all the crap i have had to go thru in my existence--and definitely some self-imposed--and the countless meanderings,...i do have so many blessings. flaws all around too. but it just makes everything spectacularly real and beautiful. family, friends, loved ones. school again and actual direction for wut i wanna do w/my life. which is, of course, the ever-present 20-something crisis at all...and just...i dunno...a focus of some kind. i cant explain it. sometimes, i didnt realize i was in the haze until moments of clarity. but i think there is no fog at all right now...i think im seeing truly...if not rightly. but, as i believe, each moment, a person is becoming more and more who they are..., i like who im becoming. at least i think so. and so many little pieces had to come into place to get me to this point. no matter how much u can point and wish differently, this is a unique place brought by specific events. and so im so thankful for everything--even the bad--that has gotten me here...i feel different from even just last year. and, i always have said "one year older, none the wiser." and that was foolish. i am so hopeful that im more than one year wiser. hee hee...

ok...so yea...no censorship. kinda. just...blurting it all out as it comes to me. it may not make sense to others, but it makes sense to me. hehehe...hope everyone had a great thanksgiving.

oh yea, and i have to reiterate how thankful i am of good, good friends. so often small touches here and there of a look, a conversation, a laugh, a moment spent...these things build my life. they fill me with joy. to know these fantastic ppl. im so thankful to God that i know the ppl that i know. :) ok that's it...goodnight world.

grat blog #3

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 05:09:23 GMT

i almost forgot....

so...i realize i didnt do a big thanksgiving gratitude blog. woops. im....really sick. i've been sick, and im actually feeling a slight bit better. yay. so that is part of what im thankful for today. that i spent more time awake than asleep. though not completely functional i think...it's...enough. and im glad. it's hard to think otherwise in that hazy bubble of loopy sickness and medicine, etc. killer combinations, really. and soon, i'll be 100%...

so anyway, my other thing im grateful for (well, the last couple days) is DVDs...movies, u are a wonderful saving sanity while bored and practically incapacitated...ive been playing movies nonstop in my lil cave of a room. drifting in and out of consciousness on my bed...only leaving the room to get something to eat or drink downstairs...and going to the bathroom in my own bathroom...i didnt even shower..ew, or change my clothes...since wed til today. sick, i know! eeww, actually saying it, it's even grosser than i thought. but it was just...too much work. hahaha....so, im grateful that i got sick during "break" time from classes otherwise i would have just completely missed a week or something...

anyway, the REAL thing im truly grateful for...in addition all those small blessings.........is...kind of a nod to my last blog...except w/the main ppl. im grateful for the ppl who are "supposed" to care and do. the ones we've come to depend on or need or something like that....and they dont let u down. this could be family, friends, etc....just, in general, isnt it great to be cared for? so yea, in and for my own specifics, im grateful. and happy. and....*sigh* am gonna sleep again...

grat blog #2

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 17:22:47 GMT

i may write more later today. it's thanksgiving 2008 and as i woke up earlier the first thing i wanted to do was go back to sleep...that dreaded feeling...i am sick. ugh. all day yesterday i felt like maybe.....but didnt really think...and today, BOOM. yuck! so as i review "how did i get sick?" in my head as i always do....i am thankful for one thing....water heater. yesterday, ours was down again and, impatient and in a hurry, i took a freezing cold shower. and...i felt that chill all day. later on, i came back home and took a nice, hot shower....and it was wonderful. and now that i really am sick...i wish i could take a nice, hot bath. anyway, warm water=thank you.

i should have more later. otherwise it would seem lame to be thankful for just that on thanksgiving day!

gratitude blog...and other ramblings...

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:47:07 GMT

geeeeeez...im so bad. and neglectful. my poor xanga page is dying dying dying...well, it already was, but i at least visited the world of xanga almost daily...then monthly...now, it's such long periods in between--sad! i dunno if this'll auto-post to my fb...it used to be set-up that way, but i dont think the last one did. anyhow, wutever.......the point of "bringing back" my xanga is actually for an assignment for class....i need to do a "gratitude blog" and then right up a reaction paper...so, i guess since im a few days behind already, i will start this right away...

and lemme mention, that it's SOOOO easy to blog abt random things that annoy and upset...it's really easy to "rant." and sometimes, it's pretty funny. supposedly relieving. but, the point of this is i guess to see if it'll improve my days...b/c the experience of doing a gratitude blog is supposed to be uplifting...supposedly the complaining, etc, that ppl always do actually has negative effects....and so this would be prosocial behavior...and beneficial. i could think of a million things to rant about right this second. and stuff i'd kinda wanted to rant abt for a while too. BUT, instead, i am racking my brain for something good to say. not just the automatic gratitude of health, family, and friends, etc...but something ...real... that has caught my attention for appreciation. i guess there's one thing i could say for today:

it's really good to take the time to talk to ppl, really talk to them, even briefly...rather than chit-chat w/them. running my million errands today caused me to interact w/a few ppl that i know and instead of just being superficially friendly,...i was really happy to see them and joke with them and talk to them. and they seemed to be the same way with me. and im thankful for that. for those moments to be filled with genuine-ness and lightheartedness...a feeling of warmth and care...whether folks are really close or not, this sort of shared moment is wut i luv abt ppl. wut i luv abt the randomness of life. no matter how isolated we may feel sometimes, no matter how avoidant we may want to be, we are truly social creatures...and when interactions are like this rather than other ways it could be (i won't say the negatives of how it could be cuz that's not the point)...

when ppl share a moment together...it's a beautiful thing. just that smile and twinkling of eyes. it kinda warms the heart. makes me feel thankful. the time spent is of no bother for once. and time is precious...it could get upsetting to constantly try to keep up. but this sort of time passing? it's...a joy. so, there...im thankful for randomly spending time with ppl who were not planned into my day...for conversations that i could not have forseen...for shared moments that bring a real smile to my face. other joys are great too...plans w/ppl already set and ppl who are closer for deeper moments, and ppl u see every day, etc...but those i think are sometimes easier to be grateful for...well, and negligent for too, hehe, but that kind of stuff...interactions w/these folks are not hard to miss really...

sometimes, the things on the outskirts of the day are the things that make one day different from the next. if i didnt have different "problems" or "errands" that drew me to the places i went today, then these lil moments would not have happened. i wouldn't necessarily be the worse for it if it never happened. i wouldn't have noticed anything different at all to be honest. but im so much the better for it that it did. im thankful for ppl who are real and who care and who don't mind taking a bit of time. it makes me easily reciprocate. im thankful for ppl to constantly push me into the reality of today. that every "now" that happens can be something meaningful if not hugely significant. for these sorts of moments that plug me into the map of humanity. not just a blur or a random person in a sea of unknown faces doing the things that everyone has to do. the supposed ease of anonymity. today, there's such a comfort in that unique singularity of actually being me. seeing and being w/ppl actually being themselves. almost like a close-up moment in a movie where the camera lingers for a second on a person's smile. that's totally how it's captured in my head too. like this unspoken acknowledgment that yea, we just had a nice lil moment. :)

*sigh* i wish only THIS was my day. instead of a bunch of other negative things around those moments. but i guess i will focus on the good....so that hopefully things will be...well...good. hmmmm...i wonder if my prof did this assignment over thanksgiving on purpose. hahaha...that guy...funny. anyway, tune in as i will actually blog all week!